Archive for Relationships

So, What’s The Matter With The Guys On Match.com?

  

Well, I had a very interesting conversation with my friend P., a fellow massage therapist the other day, and she told me about her first adventure with ‘Match.com.’  While listening to her, I thought I had heard her story before (seems like many times before).  I remember how P. was agonizing for quite some time whether she should even get involved in the dating scene again.  Since her husband passed away several years ago, she really hadn’t been seeing anybody, and she had a healthy distrust of dating sites in general.

But I guess curiosity got the best of her and she put her profile online and, pretty soon, she met this guy and had nice email contact with him over several weeks, and they decided to meet when he was coming to town about two weeks ago.  Besides the obligatory discrepancies between photo and reality   :-), the nice email conversation turned into a somewhat awkward real life conversation pretty soon.  P. told me ‘He kept on asking me whether I had a secret I wanted to tell him.  And to tell you the truth, I didn’t know what to make of it because he kept repeating it from time to time.’  ‘Well, I guess he wasn’t satisfied with your answer,’ I responded, instantly thinking of course, that he was waiting for an answer reflecting the implied sexual reference in his question.  But my friend P., God love her, didn’t even think about such a thing.

Well, after not getting anywhere with his questioning, he decided to fall to sleep on the couch in his hotel room while she was sitting right there next to him.  ‘Well, that might have been a sign for you, that he had resigned himself to the fact that this was no ‘easy-sex-date,’ and decided to catch up on his sleep,’ I said to her.   🙂

So, when he finally woke up, she decided to call it a night and they agreed to meet for breakfast the next morning.  And with a little kiss on the cheek, she was on her way back home.  Next morning, right at nine, her phone rang and Mr. Unhappy said ‘Well, I guess we both realize that there wasn’t much of a connection and I had planned to at least get some action coming down here.  But it was pretty clear from the beginning that that wasn’t going to happen, so I’m actually already on the road back home.  Take care!’  And with that he hung up and left my friend completely speechless.

Here’s a suggestion:  If you’re on Match.com (or any other dating site) and all you’re looking for is easy sex, why not put it right in your profile ‘Male, 40, just looking for sex.  Only willing females please respond.’  That will take care of the disappointment (on both sides) and circumvent the unconscionable idea of dating when meeting on a dating site.   🙂

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Shrinkage

Last night I went out for a few drinks with my friend M., trying to save the world in two hours of conversation, when all of a sudden, between talking politics and natural disasters, she said “You want to hear something funny?”  Well, with her I never know what’s coming my way after that question, so I answered with a somewhat reluctant “Sure!”, bracing myself for anything from “funny-nasty” to “funny-macabre” to “funny-hysterical.”

As it turns out, she has a friend S. who is in her fifties and married to a much older man, close to his eighties.  The other day her friend had to take him to the emergency room because his penis was bleeding.  Naturally, I asked my friend what had happened.  Evidently the husband suffers from age-related shrinkage, causing him discomfort when his penis gets hung up in his pubic hair.  I don’t know about you, but I had never really thought about age-related shrinkage and the discomfort it can cause.  If you are like me, you were introduced to cold water-related shrinkage by a “Seinfeld” episode (George – swimming in cold water – shrinkage – getting undressed – girl opens door – sees shrinkage – George spending rest of day trying to explain the phenomenon of shrinkage to girl  🙂  ).  Anyway, in the husband’s case, it must have been so painful at times that he asked his wife to shave his private area, which she did and, you guessed it, cut him by accident (or so she claims  🙂  ).  So that’s why they ended up in the emergency room. I wonder what they put down on the intake form :-).  On second thought, this story may not be so funny for the male readership, I think I just heard a collective “Ouch!”

A little tip:  If you want your wife to help you out there, make sure she’s in a good mood.  Definitely not something to ask after an argument.   🙂

IT SUCKS TO BE A PENIS – EVERY TIME YOU GET EXCITED, YOU THROW UP!

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Meet Mr. T. (The Tongue)

Another day, another bad dating story.  I had lunch with my friend M. the other day and she told me about her date with Mr. T. (The Tongue).  M. is an attractive lady in her forties who after two failed marriages had put dating on hold for a bit (to be exact, for sixteen years  🙂 ).  Not that she had sworn off men altogether but, shall we say, she had become a bit careful in her selection.  One of the cases of “been there, done that, didn’t like it.”

So, one day one of her friends told her that she found the “perfect” date for her, somebody who was working with her husband, single and really nice.  You probably already have a feeling of this not ending well.  Well, that’s putting it mildly.  Here she got ready for her first date after sixteen years and Mr. T. picked her up at her house (he insisted on that) without having a clue where to go or what to do.  They finally settled on a little sports bar where a painful conversation took place with him seeming to question everything about her, like her job (cosmetologist) with “Why would somebody get facials?” to her appearance “Why would you wear heels?”  Finally, after patiently making it through the conversation and my friend at that point probably ready to strangle her other “He’s really nice” friend, Mr. T. took her home and insisted on coming in with her.

Of course, that would have been a good moment to come up with something like “My elderly mother lives with me and she’s already sleeping, that’s why you can’t come in.”   But I guess, she was so overwhelmed that she couldn’t think straight and she ended up letting him in.  Big mistake!  While fixing a couple of drinks, Mr. T. looked disgusted at her cats and asked her “Why do you have cats?” (Tip:  If you like the woman and would like to see her again, don’t criticize the pets  🙂 ).  Anyway, at that point my friend about had it with Mr. T.  He had criticized everything about her.  But she didn’t want to be impolite, so she sat down next to him on the couch, sipping her drink, when he all of a sudden made a move towards her and kissed her.  She might have expected a little kiss, but boy, was she in for a surprise.  Mr. T. (The Tongue) pushed his tongue so far into her mouth, almost down her throat repeatedly that the next day when she told me about it, her mouth was still sore.  Of course, I pointed out that she was lucky that that was the only thing he pushed into her mouth, otherwise she might have had some major bruises  :-).  Well, to make a long story short, you guessed it, there was no second date for Mr. T.

I think she filed this one under “Dates from Hell.”  It may not be another sixteen years, but I have a feeling that it may be a little while before she listens to another friend telling her “He’s really nice, you ought to go out on a date.”   🙂

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Meet A Woman My Age

STOP!!!!  Before you glance over thinking this is just another feminist rant.  It’s not, I promise!  Are you ready for this?

WE LOVE MEN!

We really do!  However, after a long journey involving many detours, U-turns, heading in the wrong direction, stuck in traffic, being involved in minor fender benders and crashes with total loss and some bruises, taking the wrong exit now and then, and not paying attention to big flashing danger signs, we have finally arrived at our final destination:

LOVING OURSELVES ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT WE WANT OUT OF LIFE!

We are 35, 45, 55, 65 ….. We are single, married, divorced, in or out of a relationship.  We are fit and healthy, sexy and happy, independent and confident, passionate lovers and wonderful partners, looking and feeling great …..

NOT FOR OTHERS, BUT FOR OURSELVES!

You won’t hear us asking the question that was oh, so important in our earlier years “Does this make me look fat?”  Instead, we embrace and accentuate our natural beauty.  You won’t find us sitting next to the phone for days waiting for any little sign, like a phone call, that you’re the least bit interested in us.  We may actually pick up the phone ourselves after a long enough waiting period to call you, or wait to return your call, just to drive YOU a little crazy for a change, and only if it’s worth it.  Otherwise:  NEXT!!!  And what about the question dreaded by so many men around the world “Do you love me?”  You may never hear us asking you that question, or at least not as often as we did in our earlier years.  We may actually pay attention to your actions to see whether they show the love and respect we deserve because we’re just not willing to settle for less anymore.  Been there, done that, didn’t like it.  And don’t be surprised to find out that “Making Love” is okay sometimes, but other times we may just want to have “Wild Sex.”

Bottom line:  We know what we want, are passionate about life and it shows!

WE LOVE MEN ….. AND OURSELVES!

Watch this little video clip if you need a motivational fix today    🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7sAHJQsm5Q

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