Posts Tagged Funny Thoughts

A Weird And Wet Date :-)

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My friend M. called last night.  Like me, she belongs to the ever growing club of women who are just slightly over 29…  :-), single and happy.  Unlike me, who has given up on dating altogether, until that special person comes around the corner (and I know it when I see him…  🙂  ), she’s still trying… and sharing her weird dating experiences with me…

For the second time now, she fell into the trap of a well meaning friend telling her, “I know this really nice guy, he would be perfect for you.  You ought to go out on a date… ”  After her last experience with that particular  ‘really nice guy,’  she told me, it would definitely be quite some time until she listened to any friends again. Well, here we are, just a few weeks later…

Mr. Nice Guy turned out to be a bit of a crazy…  In their very first phone conversation, he joked with her,  “The last time I was in a woman, was two years ago, when visiting the  ‘Statue of Liberty,’ “… haha…  Okay, I have a good sense of humor, and if you know somebody a little better, and are convinced that the person would think that to be funny as well, okay…  But in the first few minutes of a phone conversation with a woman you have never even met?…  Not particularly appropriate…  🙂

When she told me about it, I felt her hesitating already, even going on the date. And as a friend, I just told her to be careful and to watch out for any more red flags.  So, I guess, curiosity got the best of her, and she went on the date, which ended up ordering in Thai food while sipping on a glass of wine in his condo.  It didn’t take but a few minutes, she may have still been enjoying the spicy food, when Mr. Statue of Liberty decided to spice things up himself, and basically threw himself at her, trying to kiss her.  That attempt ended up licking her entire face, ears and neck.  I could hear in her voice that she didn’t particularly care for all that wet attention…  :-).  Naturally, I asked her, if she had told him, that she had already taken a shower that day, so no need for him to lick her clean…  🙂

Anyway, after another few minutes of him telling her that he thought they’d be married within a year, she decided, it was time to leave… and you guessed it… take a shower…  🙂

Now my question is…  I can see that licking can be a very erotic part of making love, something I certainly enjoy… :-), but on the first date… after a few minutes… all over your face… ???  Do men really believe that to be a turn on?  I guess, some woman at some point may have told him that she liked it, and now he thinks every woman likes it, and may have decided to introduce himself that way… I don’t know…  🙂

Oh, you guessed it…  No second date for Mr. Nice Guy…  I guess, he’ll have to visit the  ‘Statue of Liberty’  again…  🙂

I still know why I’m not dating…  🙂

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Just because …..

MENTAL     HEALTH     BREAK      🙂

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WOMEN     🙂

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‘If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.’ — Margaret Thatcher

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‘Okay, so God made man first, but doesn’t everyone make a rough draft before they make a masterpiece?’ — Unknown

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‘Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.’ —
Mae West

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‘I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.’ — Rita Rudner

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‘A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.’ —
Gloria Steinem

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‘No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along.’ — Joyce Brothers

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‘I’m an excellent housekeeper.  Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.’ — Zsa Zsa Gabor

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‘Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.’ — Charlotte Whitton

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‘When I’m good, I’m very good.  But when I’m bad, I’m better.’ —
Mae West

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Just because …..

MENTAL  HEALTH  BREAK …..     🙂

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MEN …..     🙂

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‘I can resist everything except temptation.’  —  Oscar Wilde

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‘Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,  ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’  and you can’t remember what it is.’  —  Milton Berle

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‘God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.’  —  Robin Williams

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‘Clinton lied.  A man may forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.’  —  Barbara Bush

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‘Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.’  —  Robin Williams

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‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.’  —  Rod Stewart

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‘All men hear is
blah, blah, blah, blah
SEX, blah, blah, blah
FOOD, blah, blah, blah,
BEER.’  —  Dennis Leary

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How To Shower Like A Woman ….. Or A Man ….. :-)

HOW  TO  SHOWER  LIKE  A  WOMAN:

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*Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
*Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.  If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.  Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups.
*Get in the shower.  Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.  Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage.
*Shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
*Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
*Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
*Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
*Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
*Rinse conditioner off hair.
*Shave armpits and legs.
*Turn off shower.
*Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
*Spray mold spots with Tilex.
*Get out of shower.
*Dry with towel the size of a small country.  Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
*Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
*If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW  TO  SHOWER  LIKE  A  MAN:

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*Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
*Walk naked to the bathroom.  If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
*Look at your manly physique in the mirror.  Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
*Get in the shower.
*Wash your face.
*Wash your armpits.
*Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
*Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
*Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
*Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
*Wash your hair.  Make a shampoo Mohawk.
*Pee.
*Rinse off and get out of shower.
*Partially dry off.
*Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
*Admire wiener size in mirror again.
*Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
*Return to bedroom with towel around waist.  If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
*Throw wet towel on her pillow.

….. TIME  TO  TAKE  A  SHOWER …..   🙂

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My Funny Encounter With A Traffic Cop

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Well, it was one of those unpleasant things in life.  For the second time in about 17 years, I got a speeding ticket the other day.  I usually take those things with humor, because you know, that when you do get caught, you more than deserve it for the many, many, many times you have been driving just slightly above speed limit.  🙂

It was a cold Sunday morning, around eleven, and I was on the way to give somebody a massage, rubbing his stress out of him, driving on a road I had used a hundred times before.  All of a sudden, my radar detector which will have to be the best gift I ever received (saved my butt many times), went off just one time and I looked around me and saw the police car making a U-Turn and getting right behind me.  He clocked me from the other side and for some reason my detector didn’t pick it up on time.  Oh my, here came the flashes, so I pulled over.

After a couple of minutes, a smiling cop came over to my car and I opened my window with the words  ‘Not on a Sunday morning!  Shouldn’t you be in church?’  And he laughed out loud  ‘Well, I’m doing my good deeds on the streets of Louisville!  Do you know the speed limit here?’  ‘Yes, I do, 35mph.’  ‘You know how fast you were driving?’  ‘Well, I guess slightly more than that.’  ’53mph, to be correct.’  And with that he looked into my car, noticing the radar detector  ‘What, the radar detector not working?’  ‘Yeah, but too late!’

He laughed walking back to the cruiser to check my information.  When I saw him coming back, still smiling, I was wondering how much this little Sunday morning rendezvous would cost me.  ‘Here’s your ticket, $170, but you can go to court and traffic school if you like.  By the way, just a little tip from a friendly cop:  When driving downtown, put your radar detector on the other setting, it will go off earlier!’  And we both laughed ….. One of those things that make you smile all day  :-).

Of course, I’m still on for the fine, court and traffic school ….. :-).

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Just because …..

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When do you know that you’re getting old?  If your wife says  ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love!’  And you answer  ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’    🙂

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Funny Motivational Posters II :-)

MENTAL  HEALTH  BREAK    🙂

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O!
WE  JUST  HAVE  ONE  SEXXXY  PRESIDENT!r-obama-shirtless-huge1
As seen on   www.huffingtonpost.com    🙂

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