Posts Tagged Sex

A Weird And Wet Date :-)

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My friend M. called last night.  Like me, she belongs to the ever growing club of women who are just slightly over 29…  :-), single and happy.  Unlike me, who has given up on dating altogether, until that special person comes around the corner (and I know it when I see him…  🙂  ), she’s still trying… and sharing her weird dating experiences with me…

For the second time now, she fell into the trap of a well meaning friend telling her, “I know this really nice guy, he would be perfect for you.  You ought to go out on a date… ”  After her last experience with that particular  ‘really nice guy,’  she told me, it would definitely be quite some time until she listened to any friends again. Well, here we are, just a few weeks later…

Mr. Nice Guy turned out to be a bit of a crazy…  In their very first phone conversation, he joked with her,  “The last time I was in a woman, was two years ago, when visiting the  ‘Statue of Liberty,’ “… haha…  Okay, I have a good sense of humor, and if you know somebody a little better, and are convinced that the person would think that to be funny as well, okay…  But in the first few minutes of a phone conversation with a woman you have never even met?…  Not particularly appropriate…  🙂

When she told me about it, I felt her hesitating already, even going on the date. And as a friend, I just told her to be careful and to watch out for any more red flags.  So, I guess, curiosity got the best of her, and she went on the date, which ended up ordering in Thai food while sipping on a glass of wine in his condo.  It didn’t take but a few minutes, she may have still been enjoying the spicy food, when Mr. Statue of Liberty decided to spice things up himself, and basically threw himself at her, trying to kiss her.  That attempt ended up licking her entire face, ears and neck.  I could hear in her voice that she didn’t particularly care for all that wet attention…  :-).  Naturally, I asked her, if she had told him, that she had already taken a shower that day, so no need for him to lick her clean…  🙂

Anyway, after another few minutes of him telling her that he thought they’d be married within a year, she decided, it was time to leave… and you guessed it… take a shower…  🙂

Now my question is…  I can see that licking can be a very erotic part of making love, something I certainly enjoy… :-), but on the first date… after a few minutes… all over your face… ???  Do men really believe that to be a turn on?  I guess, some woman at some point may have told him that she liked it, and now he thinks every woman likes it, and may have decided to introduce himself that way… I don’t know…  🙂

Oh, you guessed it…  No second date for Mr. Nice Guy…  I guess, he’ll have to visit the  ‘Statue of Liberty’  again…  🙂

I still know why I’m not dating…  🙂

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Man With A Mission :-)

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So I went out with my friend M. for a couple, make that three drinks…, last night, trying to solve the world’s problems again in about two hours…  🙂

As I don’t date (by choice  🙂  ), I live vicariously through her dating experiences…and sometimes, that’s just not a pretty picture.  Thinking about it, that’s probably one of the reasons I leave the soap opera of dating to others…  Well, we’ve had the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly when it comes to the men she’s been out with.  But I don’t think I laughed as hard before as I did last night, when she shared her latest dating experience with me.  K., also known as  ‘Man with a mission’  🙂 asked her out to dinner, and, according to her, it was very nice, wonderful conversation, chemistry, quite the gentleman.  So she happily agreed to a second date …

Well, that one went even better.  They went to one of the local wineries for a wine tasting and had a very enjoyable evening.  For the third date he wanted to come to her house (for the first time) to pick her up and as she felt quite comfortable with K., she agreed.  Right at eight, the doorbell rang and she opened the door to let him in.  But I don’t think she will forget the picture she was staring at for quite some time… There he was, smiling  at her with his pillow under his arm!  Now mind you, up to this point they had barely kissed, definitely no sex involved… How does it go?  A picture speaks a thousand words… Well, this picture certainly spoke volumes, and he didn’t have to say anything…

Now, there’s something to be said to bring your own pillow if the one at your lover’s house hurts your neck, but I’d say, you should at least wait until after you had sex and slept on that pillow a few times  :-).  She thought the same…  and I’m here to report… you guessed it… no fourth date.  She thought if he would do something weird like that, there’s a good chance that other things would follow…

I know why I’m not dating…  🙂

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Things Hanging From A Rear View Mirror


Okay, will somebody please explain this picture to me:  While waiting at a stop light right behind a pickup truck, I noticed something hanging from the guy’s rear view mirror.  At first glance it looked like some type of Christmas decoration.  But the second look revealed a pair of brass balls, cojones, or whatever name you like, dangling right next to the guy’s head.  In this part of the country you are confronted with all kinds of things but this was a first for me.   🙂

Now, while chuckling at the sight of these enormous testicles, I was wondering about the message he wanted to send:

a)  I wish I had a pair this big!
b)  My wife cut them off and all I can do is drive around next to them and insist that they are really mine!
c)  Redneck Christmas decoration
d)  Compensation for a small penis
e)  I don’t need a gun rack with my pickup truck, thank you very much, I have a pair of steel balls!
f)  Hey girls, see what you’re missing! ….. Same thing I’m missing!
g)  I entered a contest to be a Chippendale dancer and all I got was a pair of these!
h)  You may not like the look of them, but they have a wonderful scent!

Any suggestions?   🙂

I have yet to wait for the day when a woman decides to display a pair of fake boobs dangling from her rear view mirror.

By the way:  For the brass ball lovers among you and for everybody else who would like to view a gallery of shiny testicles in various colors and sizes in pure amazement, I found this website   www.bullsballs.com .

ENJOY!!!

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So, What’s The Matter With The Guys On Match.com?

  

Well, I had a very interesting conversation with my friend P., a fellow massage therapist the other day, and she told me about her first adventure with ‘Match.com.’  While listening to her, I thought I had heard her story before (seems like many times before).  I remember how P. was agonizing for quite some time whether she should even get involved in the dating scene again.  Since her husband passed away several years ago, she really hadn’t been seeing anybody, and she had a healthy distrust of dating sites in general.

But I guess curiosity got the best of her and she put her profile online and, pretty soon, she met this guy and had nice email contact with him over several weeks, and they decided to meet when he was coming to town about two weeks ago.  Besides the obligatory discrepancies between photo and reality   :-), the nice email conversation turned into a somewhat awkward real life conversation pretty soon.  P. told me ‘He kept on asking me whether I had a secret I wanted to tell him.  And to tell you the truth, I didn’t know what to make of it because he kept repeating it from time to time.’  ‘Well, I guess he wasn’t satisfied with your answer,’ I responded, instantly thinking of course, that he was waiting for an answer reflecting the implied sexual reference in his question.  But my friend P., God love her, didn’t even think about such a thing.

Well, after not getting anywhere with his questioning, he decided to fall to sleep on the couch in his hotel room while she was sitting right there next to him.  ‘Well, that might have been a sign for you, that he had resigned himself to the fact that this was no ‘easy-sex-date,’ and decided to catch up on his sleep,’ I said to her.   🙂

So, when he finally woke up, she decided to call it a night and they agreed to meet for breakfast the next morning.  And with a little kiss on the cheek, she was on her way back home.  Next morning, right at nine, her phone rang and Mr. Unhappy said ‘Well, I guess we both realize that there wasn’t much of a connection and I had planned to at least get some action coming down here.  But it was pretty clear from the beginning that that wasn’t going to happen, so I’m actually already on the road back home.  Take care!’  And with that he hung up and left my friend completely speechless.

Here’s a suggestion:  If you’re on Match.com (or any other dating site) and all you’re looking for is easy sex, why not put it right in your profile ‘Male, 40, just looking for sex.  Only willing females please respond.’  That will take care of the disappointment (on both sides) and circumvent the unconscionable idea of dating when meeting on a dating site.   🙂

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This Is Roberto, My FB!

So, I’m at one of my clients’ house the other day, putting my massage table together.  My client B. is a business woman in her sixties and has been getting massages from me for a few years now.  While I was busy packing my things, the door bell rang and she asked me to get it.  I opened the door and looked at a young stud in tight shirt and jeans, couldn’t have been older than 25.  He greeted me with a broad smile “Hi!” and walked in as though he had been to B.’s place before.  Trying to figure out who in the world this could be, I watched him walking over to her and giving her a kiss on her cheek.  B. must have noticed the puzzled and clueless expression on my face when telling me “Oh, Andrea, this is Roberto, my FB!”  And I saw Roberto looking at me with another big smile on his face.  All I could say was “Oh, okay.  Nice to meet you.”  And with that I left those two to themselves.  I guess he was there to massage something else …..   :-).  While driving to my next appointment, I was thinking to myself that you just never know.  I had no idea that B. even knew the term FB (F**k Buddy), let alone would have one.   🙂

Well, as you can imagine, she was eager to give me an explanation when I saw her for her next appointment.  “Well, I decided a long time ago that I just don’t want to be bothered with the soap opera a relationship brings with it.  I really have neither time nor patience for that anymore.  So, I decided just to have a FB from time to time.  I appreciate him and he appreciates my generosity, and to tell you the truth, I’m loving it!  Works well for everybody involved.  Heck, men have been doing it forever!”  I remember smiling at her “confession” and telling her “Good for you!  You go girl!”  I filed this under “Things that make you go ‘Huh?’ ”   🙂

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Shrinkage

Last night I went out for a few drinks with my friend M., trying to save the world in two hours of conversation, when all of a sudden, between talking politics and natural disasters, she said “You want to hear something funny?”  Well, with her I never know what’s coming my way after that question, so I answered with a somewhat reluctant “Sure!”, bracing myself for anything from “funny-nasty” to “funny-macabre” to “funny-hysterical.”

As it turns out, she has a friend S. who is in her fifties and married to a much older man, close to his eighties.  The other day her friend had to take him to the emergency room because his penis was bleeding.  Naturally, I asked my friend what had happened.  Evidently the husband suffers from age-related shrinkage, causing him discomfort when his penis gets hung up in his pubic hair.  I don’t know about you, but I had never really thought about age-related shrinkage and the discomfort it can cause.  If you are like me, you were introduced to cold water-related shrinkage by a “Seinfeld” episode (George – swimming in cold water – shrinkage – getting undressed – girl opens door – sees shrinkage – George spending rest of day trying to explain the phenomenon of shrinkage to girl  🙂  ).  Anyway, in the husband’s case, it must have been so painful at times that he asked his wife to shave his private area, which she did and, you guessed it, cut him by accident (or so she claims  🙂  ).  So that’s why they ended up in the emergency room. I wonder what they put down on the intake form :-).  On second thought, this story may not be so funny for the male readership, I think I just heard a collective “Ouch!”

A little tip:  If you want your wife to help you out there, make sure she’s in a good mood.  Definitely not something to ask after an argument.   🙂

IT SUCKS TO BE A PENIS – EVERY TIME YOU GET EXCITED, YOU THROW UP!

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Meet Mr. T. (The Tongue)

Another day, another bad dating story.  I had lunch with my friend M. the other day and she told me about her date with Mr. T. (The Tongue).  M. is an attractive lady in her forties who after two failed marriages had put dating on hold for a bit (to be exact, for sixteen years  🙂 ).  Not that she had sworn off men altogether but, shall we say, she had become a bit careful in her selection.  One of the cases of “been there, done that, didn’t like it.”

So, one day one of her friends told her that she found the “perfect” date for her, somebody who was working with her husband, single and really nice.  You probably already have a feeling of this not ending well.  Well, that’s putting it mildly.  Here she got ready for her first date after sixteen years and Mr. T. picked her up at her house (he insisted on that) without having a clue where to go or what to do.  They finally settled on a little sports bar where a painful conversation took place with him seeming to question everything about her, like her job (cosmetologist) with “Why would somebody get facials?” to her appearance “Why would you wear heels?”  Finally, after patiently making it through the conversation and my friend at that point probably ready to strangle her other “He’s really nice” friend, Mr. T. took her home and insisted on coming in with her.

Of course, that would have been a good moment to come up with something like “My elderly mother lives with me and she’s already sleeping, that’s why you can’t come in.”   But I guess, she was so overwhelmed that she couldn’t think straight and she ended up letting him in.  Big mistake!  While fixing a couple of drinks, Mr. T. looked disgusted at her cats and asked her “Why do you have cats?” (Tip:  If you like the woman and would like to see her again, don’t criticize the pets  🙂 ).  Anyway, at that point my friend about had it with Mr. T.  He had criticized everything about her.  But she didn’t want to be impolite, so she sat down next to him on the couch, sipping her drink, when he all of a sudden made a move towards her and kissed her.  She might have expected a little kiss, but boy, was she in for a surprise.  Mr. T. (The Tongue) pushed his tongue so far into her mouth, almost down her throat repeatedly that the next day when she told me about it, her mouth was still sore.  Of course, I pointed out that she was lucky that that was the only thing he pushed into her mouth, otherwise she might have had some major bruises  :-).  Well, to make a long story short, you guessed it, there was no second date for Mr. T.

I think she filed this one under “Dates from Hell.”  It may not be another sixteen years, but I have a feeling that it may be a little while before she listens to another friend telling her “He’s really nice, you ought to go out on a date.”   🙂

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